No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You took a bar mat shot.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
