from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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