My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
