dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
