thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
