Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
