you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
