Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
