so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
