yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
