My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
