Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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