So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
