i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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