The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
