A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
