dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
