I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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