Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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