New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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