So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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