i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
