We named our party play list daddy issues
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
