I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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