she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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