I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
