sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
