It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
