I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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