mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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