Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
