im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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