I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
