My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
