I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
