This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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