PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
