I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
