im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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