You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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