So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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