I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
