Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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