Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
