had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
