At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
