i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
