What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
