Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
