I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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