By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
