I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
