It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
