$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
