the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
