was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
