this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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