six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
