My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
